i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
