I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
