I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
