Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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