sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
