Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
