I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
