The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize