Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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