When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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