I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
