How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
