So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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