the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize