she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
