When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize
