she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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