I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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