All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
