My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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