Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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