I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
