And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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