Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
