we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
