Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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