I wish they made helmets for livers.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
