I was born with a shot glass in my hand
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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