That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
this just has baby written all over it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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