Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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