oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
