I hate all girls vehemently.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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