Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
