i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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