My first STD was from a foam party
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
my god I love twenty year old dicks
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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