So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
