I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
