Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
