i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
