Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
