I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Still dying that you shit outside
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
