well I can't set my house on fire every night
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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