hotel room ftw
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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