omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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