i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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