Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
