i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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