I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
