and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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