Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
