How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
