I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
