when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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