I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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