nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize