so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
