i love accidental penises.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
