if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
