I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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