i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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