new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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