I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I think im going to throw up on grandma
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize