Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
