She went from zero to smokin in five shots
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize
